I love this! And not only because it taught me what "parasocial friendship" means and compelled me to find out what Pamela Anderson looks like now.
I am curious about this, though: where does "romantic privilege" fit into this battle between self-acceptance and self-editing? While it's surely true that much of women's battle with the prospect of aging has to do with abstract concerns about their societal value, perhaps as much in the eyes of other women as anyone else's, how much of the ability to embrace aging hinges on feeling valued by a romantic partner who is also excited for you to "bring it on"?
I would rather be single than spend the rest of my life dressing for the male gaze, personally. I wasted enough time on that in my twenties. The approval of a male partner counts for very little to me, but I guess it might make it easier for some women? Or are you actually asking, what if you're a single woman of a certain age and you want to attract a heterosexual man as your romantic partner, can you give up on performing beauty labor and still be competitive in the dating market? To which I would say, I would rather attract a man who likes gray hair and Birkenstocks (they exist!) and be content with being single forever if a man like that doesn't come along. Someone who shares my values on this is going to be a better fit for me. I actually dumped a guy in my twenties when he told me he wanted me to wear nail polish and more make-up. No thanks.
Ha, I had a college boyfriend who told me in what might otherwise have been a very sexy shower together that I needed to work my triceps more.
"Or are you actually asking, what if you're a single woman of a certain age and you want to attract a heterosexual man as your romantic partner, can you give up on performing beauty labor and still be competitive in the dating market?" YES, that's exactly what I was asking.
I agree that doing labor that doesn't align with your values to attract a partner is a mistake, and on a practical level, I am confident you're right. But I do think there could be some rocky emotional terrain between the Birkenstocks and the guy that likes the Birkenstocks for a woman who is trying to use dating apps to find someone to can peaches with, and I wonder what that looks like.
In any event, three cheers for all shoes that look like they were made for hobbits...and three more for the women who wear them!
Last year, at 45, I was frantically home-dyeing my hair to maintain the grand youth illusion for a date with someone I had been seeing for months. I caught an honest glimpse of myself in the mirror, and just stopped. Something in me shifted. Hard. I am not 25. No one from whom I will receive real and vibrant love at this age would ever want the lie that I am ripening.
Gross.
I canceled the date, then the entire relationship. I haven’t dyed my hair again. I am single, but more in love with my self and age than I have been since I was a child. This is reality, and embracing that shouldn’t feel like a rebellious act. It does. Especially here in OC, it feels like people worry for my sanity. My entire psyche shrugs at it.
Oof, I feel that. I'm visiting my in-laws in the OC next month and I have been worrying for weeks about what to wear, and the scrutiny I will be under. The PNW definitely has a much more relaxed approach to beauty labor which I appreciate.
I moved here from the Twin Cities 12 years ago, and I still have no idea what to wear. I also have teenagers to let me know how off my style is. Essentially, I exist in a very weird purgatory where I have to accept that I cannot get it right, so I embrace getting it my own kind of wrong.
Oof the thing about this kind of work is that it’s like AI. Yeah, it mostly looks good but you can always tell there’s just a little something off. As a feminist, I wish I didn’t have feelings about what public-facing women do to their bodies but I do. It feels like letting the rest of us down somehow.
I think it's because I'm a feminist that I have complicated feelings about the way that women with large public platforms surgically modify their bodies? If I wasn't a feminist, I might just feel envious that they can afford good plastic surgery? I really do feel like they're letting us all down by participating in this race to see who can look the youngest and most fuckable the longest. If women refused to participate in this, it would arguably make the world a better place for all women.
But like, it's their prerogative right? The whole “I'm a feminist BUT” doesn't really work. You're entitled to not like the aesthetic of plastic surgery — however subtle — but promoting commentary on another woman’s body and personal choices regarding it are the antithesis to the movement you're trying to associate with. Articles and resulting discourse like this are infuriating to see. What would actually make the world a better place for all women is an end to the entitlement our society feels to criticize these choices. Be part of that solution. If you wish you didn't have these opinions, work on that. Ask if your contribution is ultimately helping, or rallying a veiled type of hatred and anti-woman sentiment instead. All this does is underscore how women can't win, no matter what they do.
It's not, "I'm a feminist BUT," it's "I'm a feminist AND." Anne Hathaway can do whatever she wants with her face, AND I feel sad that we live in a culture that expects this of women, and demands it from celebrities. I don't wish I didn't have these opinions, although evidently you do. I encourage you to check out the "Further reading" links at the end of the essay to get a better understanding of where I'm coming from.
I get why you feel the way you feel, but your article headline is the antithesis of feminist energy because it puts another woman in the crosshairs. We should absolutely be having conversations about how the objectification and sexualization of women has warped – hell, created – feminine beauty standards. We should not be naming people as examples. And we also can't assume that someone with a "large public platform" who is "surgically modifying their body" is doing so for any specific reason. Your point manifests itself through a singular lens that assumes only when women don't do these things will we have achieved this so-called "better world" for us. It ignores personal choice, agency over one's body, and that we do not have the right to criticize what other people do with their appearance, regardless of whether or not we personally agree with it. If you can't make that point without a teardown, that's not feminism.
Talk to me post menopause. I thought I’d never get plastic surgery. Caring for my mother with dementia has aged me incredibly. When it’s over? I may use some of the money to take back ten of those years.
100% I had chin liposuction followed by a chin lift (so much saggy skin!). I didn't tell anyone (except my therapist) because of... judgement. It felt unbelievably good to spend this money how I wanted to spend it, something that is always hard for this middle aged mom of two.
As my mother died two weeks ago with dementia, and as I noticed the years pile up on my face all of a sudden in the past year as I was doing adulting on hard mode… I hope you take back those years in any way that makes you feel joyful. I support you!
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s impossible to describe watching your Mom fade away, becoming the real adult, the final adult. Wishing you a gentle grieving and transition to your new life. ❤️🩹
Thanks. I own it. I’ve bought it for and loaned it to many folks. She’s been living in my home for the last seven years, I’ve been taking care of her finances and medical and all the rest for five years before that. She got her dementia, diagnosis 12 or 13 years ago so, this is just a waiting game. She’s crazy as a loon, luckily, not aggressive, and healthy as a horse.
This is exactly the lie women are sold. It's why Maralago face is a thing. If you have a facelift at 60 you won't look like a 50 year old, you'll look like every other 60 year old whose had a facelift. I'd rather spend the money on therapy.
Agreed, Once you get a close look at them, it more or less looks like a Frankenstein patient who was Dug up from a casket that tries to lie to father time through trickery And deceit.
The visiting countries in South America, there is one mainstay that prevails in those countries, and that being women do not wear ungodly amounts of make up when they are young and this over the long haul allows women to age gracefully.
So without question, I firmly believe that many of the women in America, who get plastic surgery for the reason that all that chemical products they put on their face does not allow them to age gracefully.
I too aged terribly following the care and death of my mom. My face is covered in wrinkles, and I look 10 years older; I have gained 20 pounds post menopause, which doesn't help either. I am at the point that I don't want to be photographed anymore. Thankfully my husband didn't marry me for my looks, he married me for my kind heart. 🌹
I think about {and write about this often} I am in the Jaime Lee Curtis camp of pro aging and am attempting to gather the troops but it’s hard. Aging is hard for women and I don’t blame those who tweak and want to change it’s what we’ve been constantly told. Younger, prettier, thinner is more bankable. The trouble is they don’t look younger they just look like they’ve had work done?!? So much to unpack and think about. Thanks for the article
While I was getting older and fatter like an ordinary mortal....yes my very human aging body...with its deepening wrinkles, beginning of creping and post menopausal gift of adipose tissue...is real...is me...and what is my body but a carriage for my mind?
I cannot imagine working in Hollywood. I’ve always liked Anne even when it seemed acceptable to hate on her. And I’m sad to see she’s gone through such a visible “upgrade” (much like JLaw). But I don’t know how you move and work in that world without seeing other women doing it and still resist. I think Lindsay Lohan’s recent glow up has probably inspired others to follow.
Being single at 45 I’m not entirely ready to stop caring what I look like. I hope my glowing personality compensates for my expanding meno belly, hormone acne and grey. I actually love the grey, it’s like streaks of silver. Anyway. I would actually like a relationship, not ready to let it all go yet! But being strong, happy and healthy is so much more important to me that what I look like.
As a US-er living in the UK, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that your list of older women going natural is mostly British. It feels to me that here there is less of a one-size-fits all pattern of acceptable beauty compared to the US- even for young women. And watching British TV vs American TV is evidence of what is considered “acceptable” to put on screen. I can’t think of one American actor or actress who doesn’t have (as they call them here) “picket fence” perfectly white, perfectly straight, teeth. But here’s it’s considered strange and unnatural!
These are of course broad brush strokes but I think there’s something to it.
i’m an actor, and i love watching british tv and film precisely because their faces are splendidly imperfect and alive. i hope to offer myself the same grace as i age and look less “marketable”
That was my question / takeaway too, after reading this. It actually just feels like more scrutiny, more commentary, more more more. Let's let people have faces without commentary, whether they appear young or old or altered. Do we really need to "feel sad" for someone's face?
It seems women’s makeup has become more and more bizarre over the years until they look unreal. Why is it that men are accepted for their real faces but women feel the need to wear masks ?
Her entire fame was based on looks and being a sex symbol, even with lo a sex tape. She was the emblem of what sexy was for a generation. Also timing with the gender tension/manosphere. She’s attacked all the time by men online for looking old.
I actually didn't know Alicia Keys goes make-up free. That's awesome. Maybe Pam draws more attention for it because her make-up free face is such a contrast from the elaborate, almost cartoonish make-up she was best known for?
I love this! And not only because it taught me what "parasocial friendship" means and compelled me to find out what Pamela Anderson looks like now.
I am curious about this, though: where does "romantic privilege" fit into this battle between self-acceptance and self-editing? While it's surely true that much of women's battle with the prospect of aging has to do with abstract concerns about their societal value, perhaps as much in the eyes of other women as anyone else's, how much of the ability to embrace aging hinges on feeling valued by a romantic partner who is also excited for you to "bring it on"?
I would rather be single than spend the rest of my life dressing for the male gaze, personally. I wasted enough time on that in my twenties. The approval of a male partner counts for very little to me, but I guess it might make it easier for some women? Or are you actually asking, what if you're a single woman of a certain age and you want to attract a heterosexual man as your romantic partner, can you give up on performing beauty labor and still be competitive in the dating market? To which I would say, I would rather attract a man who likes gray hair and Birkenstocks (they exist!) and be content with being single forever if a man like that doesn't come along. Someone who shares my values on this is going to be a better fit for me. I actually dumped a guy in my twenties when he told me he wanted me to wear nail polish and more make-up. No thanks.
Ha, I had a college boyfriend who told me in what might otherwise have been a very sexy shower together that I needed to work my triceps more.
"Or are you actually asking, what if you're a single woman of a certain age and you want to attract a heterosexual man as your romantic partner, can you give up on performing beauty labor and still be competitive in the dating market?" YES, that's exactly what I was asking.
I agree that doing labor that doesn't align with your values to attract a partner is a mistake, and on a practical level, I am confident you're right. But I do think there could be some rocky emotional terrain between the Birkenstocks and the guy that likes the Birkenstocks for a woman who is trying to use dating apps to find someone to can peaches with, and I wonder what that looks like.
In any event, three cheers for all shoes that look like they were made for hobbits...and three more for the women who wear them!
Last year, at 45, I was frantically home-dyeing my hair to maintain the grand youth illusion for a date with someone I had been seeing for months. I caught an honest glimpse of myself in the mirror, and just stopped. Something in me shifted. Hard. I am not 25. No one from whom I will receive real and vibrant love at this age would ever want the lie that I am ripening.
Gross.
I canceled the date, then the entire relationship. I haven’t dyed my hair again. I am single, but more in love with my self and age than I have been since I was a child. This is reality, and embracing that shouldn’t feel like a rebellious act. It does. Especially here in OC, it feels like people worry for my sanity. My entire psyche shrugs at it.
Oof, I feel that. I'm visiting my in-laws in the OC next month and I have been worrying for weeks about what to wear, and the scrutiny I will be under. The PNW definitely has a much more relaxed approach to beauty labor which I appreciate.
I moved here from the Twin Cities 12 years ago, and I still have no idea what to wear. I also have teenagers to let me know how off my style is. Essentially, I exist in a very weird purgatory where I have to accept that I cannot get it right, so I embrace getting it my own kind of wrong.
Oof the thing about this kind of work is that it’s like AI. Yeah, it mostly looks good but you can always tell there’s just a little something off. As a feminist, I wish I didn’t have feelings about what public-facing women do to their bodies but I do. It feels like letting the rest of us down somehow.
I think it's because I'm a feminist that I have complicated feelings about the way that women with large public platforms surgically modify their bodies? If I wasn't a feminist, I might just feel envious that they can afford good plastic surgery? I really do feel like they're letting us all down by participating in this race to see who can look the youngest and most fuckable the longest. If women refused to participate in this, it would arguably make the world a better place for all women.
Perfectly put!
But like, it's their prerogative right? The whole “I'm a feminist BUT” doesn't really work. You're entitled to not like the aesthetic of plastic surgery — however subtle — but promoting commentary on another woman’s body and personal choices regarding it are the antithesis to the movement you're trying to associate with. Articles and resulting discourse like this are infuriating to see. What would actually make the world a better place for all women is an end to the entitlement our society feels to criticize these choices. Be part of that solution. If you wish you didn't have these opinions, work on that. Ask if your contribution is ultimately helping, or rallying a veiled type of hatred and anti-woman sentiment instead. All this does is underscore how women can't win, no matter what they do.
It's not, "I'm a feminist BUT," it's "I'm a feminist AND." Anne Hathaway can do whatever she wants with her face, AND I feel sad that we live in a culture that expects this of women, and demands it from celebrities. I don't wish I didn't have these opinions, although evidently you do. I encourage you to check out the "Further reading" links at the end of the essay to get a better understanding of where I'm coming from.
I get why you feel the way you feel, but your article headline is the antithesis of feminist energy because it puts another woman in the crosshairs. We should absolutely be having conversations about how the objectification and sexualization of women has warped – hell, created – feminine beauty standards. We should not be naming people as examples. And we also can't assume that someone with a "large public platform" who is "surgically modifying their body" is doing so for any specific reason. Your point manifests itself through a singular lens that assumes only when women don't do these things will we have achieved this so-called "better world" for us. It ignores personal choice, agency over one's body, and that we do not have the right to criticize what other people do with their appearance, regardless of whether or not we personally agree with it. If you can't make that point without a teardown, that's not feminism.
Agree. If we all left each other be that would be a start.
Er…what does other women's looks have to do with me?
https://substack.com/@dianafoxtilson/note/c-122838757?r=pqo5y
So related to so much of this. I am about to turn 64 and it’s so weird to be aging and not skinny.
Her new face reminds me of photos I’ve seen of Joan Crawford, especially with the hair pulled back. I’m sad too. What a horrible industry.
Talk to me post menopause. I thought I’d never get plastic surgery. Caring for my mother with dementia has aged me incredibly. When it’s over? I may use some of the money to take back ten of those years.
I get that, Jodi. It’s only been four years of caregiving for me, but whoa! The wrinkles have come at me with a vengeance.
The lack of sleep is devastating. Sending strength & patience your way. ❤️🩹
Totally. The journey from 54-60 and the commensurate loss of hormones is another thing altogether.
I did that exact thing with the money my parents left me when they died.
Are you happy with the results? I'm not planning anything extreme, just maybe an blepharoplasty and the "mini-facelift."
100% I had chin liposuction followed by a chin lift (so much saggy skin!). I didn't tell anyone (except my therapist) because of... judgement. It felt unbelievably good to spend this money how I wanted to spend it, something that is always hard for this middle aged mom of two.
I am so happy for you, Kimberley, what a beautiful way to claim what you wanted for yourself.
Lila! I thank you for modeling sistering—this kind and affirming way to uplift someone’s choice for themselves. 💖
Justina 💓 As someone without biological siblings, and who has focused on chosen family for most of my life, this is very meaningful. 💝
We seem to save all our criticism of the male face for one man, president Orange Mcbuttnikov 🍊
I wish you the best, but the procedures you were thinking about sounds painful to me.
Either way best of luck have a great day. I wish you only peace and happiness.
As my mother died two weeks ago with dementia, and as I noticed the years pile up on my face all of a sudden in the past year as I was doing adulting on hard mode… I hope you take back those years in any way that makes you feel joyful. I support you!
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s impossible to describe watching your Mom fade away, becoming the real adult, the final adult. Wishing you a gentle grieving and transition to your new life. ❤️🩹
Thank you Jodi. ❤️🩹 I deeply admire your fortitude. Would you like me to mail you my copy of “The 36-Hour Day”? I don’t seem to need it right now.
Thanks. I own it. I’ve bought it for and loaned it to many folks. She’s been living in my home for the last seven years, I’ve been taking care of her finances and medical and all the rest for five years before that. She got her dementia, diagnosis 12 or 13 years ago so, this is just a waiting game. She’s crazy as a loon, luckily, not aggressive, and healthy as a horse.
So sorry Jodi. My mom did not have dementia. She was stubborn though. I miss caring for her. Her one-year death date anniversary is June 23.
That's where I am....mom left us on Tuesday....
Oh Kim, I feel with you.
Nah. Most people who get plastic surgery don’t look younger. They look like old people trying to look younger. Big difference.
This is exactly the lie women are sold. It's why Maralago face is a thing. If you have a facelift at 60 you won't look like a 50 year old, you'll look like every other 60 year old whose had a facelift. I'd rather spend the money on therapy.
Looking good it’s not cheap in America and the older you get the more expensive it becomes.
Agreed, Once you get a close look at them, it more or less looks like a Frankenstein patient who was Dug up from a casket that tries to lie to father time through trickery And deceit.
The visiting countries in South America, there is one mainstay that prevails in those countries, and that being women do not wear ungodly amounts of make up when they are young and this over the long haul allows women to age gracefully.
So without question, I firmly believe that many of the women in America, who get plastic surgery for the reason that all that chemical products they put on their face does not allow them to age gracefully.
I too aged terribly following the care and death of my mom. My face is covered in wrinkles, and I look 10 years older; I have gained 20 pounds post menopause, which doesn't help either. I am at the point that I don't want to be photographed anymore. Thankfully my husband didn't marry me for my looks, he married me for my kind heart. 🌹
You go girl
I think about {and write about this often} I am in the Jaime Lee Curtis camp of pro aging and am attempting to gather the troops but it’s hard. Aging is hard for women and I don’t blame those who tweak and want to change it’s what we’ve been constantly told. Younger, prettier, thinner is more bankable. The trouble is they don’t look younger they just look like they’ve had work done?!? So much to unpack and think about. Thanks for the article
You are so right, Andrea: they don’t look younger. They look like they have had work done and who wants to look like that.
I love the point about feeling relieved to start looking older. As someone with thinning hair, I find a weird comfort and liberation in it.
While I was getting older and fatter like an ordinary mortal....yes my very human aging body...with its deepening wrinkles, beginning of creping and post menopausal gift of adipose tissue...is real...is me...and what is my body but a carriage for my mind?
I cannot imagine working in Hollywood. I’ve always liked Anne even when it seemed acceptable to hate on her. And I’m sad to see she’s gone through such a visible “upgrade” (much like JLaw). But I don’t know how you move and work in that world without seeing other women doing it and still resist. I think Lindsay Lohan’s recent glow up has probably inspired others to follow.
I also feel sad when I see Lindsay Lohan's face. Anita Bhagwandas wrote a great essay about that: https://open.substack.com/pub/anitabhagwandas/p/is-this-any-way-to-treat-a-face?r=pqo5y&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Thank you for sharing this. Everyone has been applauding Lohan’s new face, but she’s started to look like someone else. It really is unsettling.
Being single at 45 I’m not entirely ready to stop caring what I look like. I hope my glowing personality compensates for my expanding meno belly, hormone acne and grey. I actually love the grey, it’s like streaks of silver. Anyway. I would actually like a relationship, not ready to let it all go yet! But being strong, happy and healthy is so much more important to me that what I look like.
You absolutely can’t see it now, but when I was young people constantly told me I looked like Valerie Bertinelli.
We definitely diverged!
You’re too kind. I always say I need her to go gray and gain some weight!
As a US-er living in the UK, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that your list of older women going natural is mostly British. It feels to me that here there is less of a one-size-fits all pattern of acceptable beauty compared to the US- even for young women. And watching British TV vs American TV is evidence of what is considered “acceptable” to put on screen. I can’t think of one American actor or actress who doesn’t have (as they call them here) “picket fence” perfectly white, perfectly straight, teeth. But here’s it’s considered strange and unnatural!
These are of course broad brush strokes but I think there’s something to it.
I’ve also noticed in the British TV news anchors are not caked with makeup either.
i’m an actor, and i love watching british tv and film precisely because their faces are splendidly imperfect and alive. i hope to offer myself the same grace as i age and look less “marketable”
It’s an interesting perspective on aging when you can see someone who was a walking mirror take a divergent path.
Do we really need to shame or speak down on people who get work done?
That was my question / takeaway too, after reading this. It actually just feels like more scrutiny, more commentary, more more more. Let's let people have faces without commentary, whether they appear young or old or altered. Do we really need to "feel sad" for someone's face?
Eyebrow sadness? How about Trump outrage?
Sure, there's plenty of room for that, too. ;)
Sometimes people need a break from the Orange psychosis. It's a lot, all the time.
It seems women’s makeup has become more and more bizarre over the years until they look unreal. Why is it that men are accepted for their real faces but women feel the need to wear masks ?
Why does Pam Anderson always get attention for going make up free when Alicia Keys has been doing it for years?
Her entire fame was based on looks and being a sex symbol, even with lo a sex tape. She was the emblem of what sexy was for a generation. Also timing with the gender tension/manosphere. She’s attacked all the time by men online for looking old.
I actually didn't know Alicia Keys goes make-up free. That's awesome. Maybe Pam draws more attention for it because her make-up free face is such a contrast from the elaborate, almost cartoonish make-up she was best known for?
WHY YOU ASK❓🤔 WHY YOU ASK ❓🙄 🤎🤎