As a fellow Therapist, I appreciate this topic. I will add that it takes work to become a good Couples therapist! Don’t just go to anyone. I recommend that people go to a seasoned Couples Therapist who has at least one certification beyond the Masters degree (ex: Gottman, EFT, Developmental Model, RLT). You need someone who can really hold the space, provide the right amount of structure and direction, which I think is a combination of a Therapist’s training and temperament. There may be some “bad” therapists out there, but there are also a lot of good ones who have helped people transform their relationships and lives significantly. My substack is for Therapists wanting to refine their craft and for the reflective person who wants insight on relational skills.
I didn't know until listening to the Dire Straights episode I linked to that John Gottman got divorced twice. I used to think Gottman was the best, but Celeste Davis wrote an excellent essay about the shortcomings of the Gottman approach that I will find and share.
The problem I see and that the writers I linked to write about is not so much that couples therapists are inexperienced. What I've witnessed over and over, both with friends and clients, is that they see a couples therapist who validates an emotionally abusive husband and prolongs the cycle of abuse by making the wife feel like she shares an equal role in the dysfunction of the relationship. Often that woman would be better served by a frank conversation about how her abusive husband is not going to change, and how she should cut her losses and get out. This happened again on my caseload twice just last week. A client who is finally getting divorced from her truly awful, abusive, personality disordered husband was in tears about how their couples therapist made her feel like it was her fault (they went to couples therapy for over a year). My other client, who is not yet getting divorced, was also in tears over her couples therapy session where her husband threw a ridiculous, entitled tantrum, and instead of calling him out on it, the therapist said my client needs to work harder to make him happy. 😡 This kind of things happens over and over and over again.
This is a great and helpful post--thank you. I agree that there are a lot of bad therapists there and "a future post about what to watch out for and signs it’s time to fire your therapist" would be valuable.
Love this!!! So informative. I have my therapists lined up, but if I were looking for someone this would be incredibly helpful. I am keeping it in my inbox to share with others. I especially appreciate the resources for fat inclusive and BIPOC therapists, as I work in eating disorder treatment and we are always interested in resources to refer folks to. Shifting over to the articles you shared for couples counseling, as my partner and I have just started.
Mindful Therapy Group is huge around here with lots of locations. They have some good therapists, but questionable business practices. I wouldn't rule them out entirely if you strike out elsewhere, but they're not my first choice. Steer clear of MultiCare, Optum, Virginia Mason (used to be great, now owned by private equity and rapidly going downhill), and LifeStance.
These are great resources! I felt very lucky to find a great therapist right down the road from my kids’ preschool. The owner presented at a continuing legal education class I took through my local bar association and I looked his practice up when I was struggling in August 2023. I then filtered through Psychology Today to find my specific therapist within his practice- she was experienced with working with ND kids through adults, life transitions, weight neutral. I’ve been going every 2-4 weeks for 2 years. My sister had a bad experience with couples therapy so I personally have thought both parts of the couple going to individual therapy works better.
If anyone is in Greensboro, NC, there are a couple therapists with openings at Santos Counseling according to our weekly email, and they can do telehealth across the state. My friend in Charlotte started at my referral! My therapist is a white woman but a big reason I chose this practice was because of the diversity of the practitioners, there are LGBTQ and BIPOC counselors and the owner is a first generation immigrant from the Dominican Republic.
A very timely piece. I read the couples therapy section with particular interest - my truly horrible ex is a couples therapist. His profession gave him authority in my eyes and led me to stay far longer than I should have. In the end, I had to accept that I would never understand his behavior or choices, and that only I could set myself free.
Zawn Villines tells me that apparently it's a type, the male couples therapist who is actually a horrible person/good guy narcissist/insidious misogynist. The only male couples therapist I knew personally didn't fit this mold, but ever since that conversation with her, I've been seeing these guys pop up all over the place and it's chilling.
LOVE THIS. I think about this topic all the time. It took me decades to figure all of this out as a client, and I've always wished there were a resource that could save people all that time.
I would LOVE to see the article on how to tell if someone is a bad therapist, and when to fire your therapist.
In fact, I'd love to see a piece on how to vet a therapist in the first place. What to ask them. What to ask yourself. How I should feel after my consult or what I should know. What I should be keeping an eye out for (what kinds of questions, body language, etc.)
This is such a genuinely helpful guide. I wish more people understood how much timing, insurance, and the system itself shape the search. You laid it out so clearly and honestly, I’m definitely saving this to share with clients who are struggling to find someone.
As a fellow Therapist, I appreciate this topic. I will add that it takes work to become a good Couples therapist! Don’t just go to anyone. I recommend that people go to a seasoned Couples Therapist who has at least one certification beyond the Masters degree (ex: Gottman, EFT, Developmental Model, RLT). You need someone who can really hold the space, provide the right amount of structure and direction, which I think is a combination of a Therapist’s training and temperament. There may be some “bad” therapists out there, but there are also a lot of good ones who have helped people transform their relationships and lives significantly. My substack is for Therapists wanting to refine their craft and for the reflective person who wants insight on relational skills.
I didn't know until listening to the Dire Straights episode I linked to that John Gottman got divorced twice. I used to think Gottman was the best, but Celeste Davis wrote an excellent essay about the shortcomings of the Gottman approach that I will find and share.
The problem I see and that the writers I linked to write about is not so much that couples therapists are inexperienced. What I've witnessed over and over, both with friends and clients, is that they see a couples therapist who validates an emotionally abusive husband and prolongs the cycle of abuse by making the wife feel like she shares an equal role in the dysfunction of the relationship. Often that woman would be better served by a frank conversation about how her abusive husband is not going to change, and how she should cut her losses and get out. This happened again on my caseload twice just last week. A client who is finally getting divorced from her truly awful, abusive, personality disordered husband was in tears about how their couples therapist made her feel like it was her fault (they went to couples therapy for over a year). My other client, who is not yet getting divorced, was also in tears over her couples therapy session where her husband threw a ridiculous, entitled tantrum, and instead of calling him out on it, the therapist said my client needs to work harder to make him happy. 😡 This kind of things happens over and over and over again.
Here it is: https://open.substack.com/pub/celestemdavis/p/the-marriage-advice-every-couple?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=pqo5y
Thank you for linking to this.
This is a great and helpful post--thank you. I agree that there are a lot of bad therapists there and "a future post about what to watch out for and signs it’s time to fire your therapist" would be valuable.
Love this!!! So informative. I have my therapists lined up, but if I were looking for someone this would be incredibly helpful. I am keeping it in my inbox to share with others. I especially appreciate the resources for fat inclusive and BIPOC therapists, as I work in eating disorder treatment and we are always interested in resources to refer folks to. Shifting over to the articles you shared for couples counseling, as my partner and I have just started.
This is such a great resource. Thank you! I’d love Seattle practice recommendations.
Happy to help! Here are my favorite local group practices:
https://cobaltcounselinggroup.com/
https://www.riverbanktherapy.com/
https://www.proteawellness.org/
Mindful Therapy Group is huge around here with lots of locations. They have some good therapists, but questionable business practices. I wouldn't rule them out entirely if you strike out elsewhere, but they're not my first choice. Steer clear of MultiCare, Optum, Virginia Mason (used to be great, now owned by private equity and rapidly going downhill), and LifeStance.
These are great resources! I felt very lucky to find a great therapist right down the road from my kids’ preschool. The owner presented at a continuing legal education class I took through my local bar association and I looked his practice up when I was struggling in August 2023. I then filtered through Psychology Today to find my specific therapist within his practice- she was experienced with working with ND kids through adults, life transitions, weight neutral. I’ve been going every 2-4 weeks for 2 years. My sister had a bad experience with couples therapy so I personally have thought both parts of the couple going to individual therapy works better.
If anyone is in Greensboro, NC, there are a couple therapists with openings at Santos Counseling according to our weekly email, and they can do telehealth across the state. My friend in Charlotte started at my referral! My therapist is a white woman but a big reason I chose this practice was because of the diversity of the practitioners, there are LGBTQ and BIPOC counselors and the owner is a first generation immigrant from the Dominican Republic.
A very timely piece. I read the couples therapy section with particular interest - my truly horrible ex is a couples therapist. His profession gave him authority in my eyes and led me to stay far longer than I should have. In the end, I had to accept that I would never understand his behavior or choices, and that only I could set myself free.
Zawn Villines tells me that apparently it's a type, the male couples therapist who is actually a horrible person/good guy narcissist/insidious misogynist. The only male couples therapist I knew personally didn't fit this mold, but ever since that conversation with her, I've been seeing these guys pop up all over the place and it's chilling.
I wish I could like this 100 times!
I'm so glad! Hopefully it was helpful.
LOVE THIS. I think about this topic all the time. It took me decades to figure all of this out as a client, and I've always wished there were a resource that could save people all that time.
I would LOVE to see the article on how to tell if someone is a bad therapist, and when to fire your therapist.
In fact, I'd love to see a piece on how to vet a therapist in the first place. What to ask them. What to ask yourself. How I should feel after my consult or what I should know. What I should be keeping an eye out for (what kinds of questions, body language, etc.)
thank you so much for doing this service!
This is such a genuinely helpful guide. I wish more people understood how much timing, insurance, and the system itself shape the search. You laid it out so clearly and honestly, I’m definitely saving this to share with clients who are struggling to find someone.